Sunday, 16 October 2011

Damocles and me.

Now, I know I said I wasn't going to keep going on about this cancer thing, the theory was that once it's gone it's gone. Pointless writing blogs when I could be getting on with serious beading.
I have discovered that the appearance of this little bit left in one of the lymph nodes has hit me a bit harder than I expected. Back on July 15th when the endoscopist told me he'd found a tumour, my blood ran cold - that hadn't happened for many years, when Sam Mehta, my surgeon, told me about this bloody lymph node it did it again. My mouth and the rest of my body were doing a good impression of being nonchalant, but the cold blood thing was telling me something else.
I know the chemo and radiotherapy will get rid of anything left in my body, I know it isn't a terminal thing yet, I also know that what I thought would be the end of this wasn't. I chose the surgery over chemo because I didn't want the Sword of Damocles hanging over me for 5 years, it looks as if it may be there after all. The bottom line is, I am probably not as together as I thought I was - I really don't like the chemo idea after going through all the surgery, and however composed and positive I think I am, a lot of it is just acting.
The next blog post will be about beading, or kittens, or sunshine, or wind and waves, or anything but bloody cancer.


  1. My OH is in a very similar situation and feels the same as you do. Had three lots of surgery to date and still has to have other treatment for three years or so. We understand perfectly.

  2. I don't mind that you write about the feelings you have now. I even can't start to imagine how I would feel ! Feel free to express your angers and fears ! And that cat is gorgeous!!!

  3. No matter WHAT you do, no matter how good a front you can put up...cancer has a way of pushing itself up in front of all your intentions. At one point, I got a little free with the "whistling past the graveyard" jokes and actually scared the crap out of a friend...who thought I'd given up. Write what wants to come out. If it's about beading, fine. If it's not, fine. I'm glad to know I'm not the only chicken-shit in the world, myself!

  4. Someone once told me to write about my experience. When someone else is going through a similar situation, they just may stumble on my blog and find how others facing a similar situation react and deal with it. Sometimes you just need to know that someone else feels the same way you do.

    Perhaps this will give you a different perspective on blogging.

    I don't think you're going to let this beat you.

  5. Remember,spite I am far away geographically, we never met , you dont't know me except I am a french beader, that all over the beady world , there are many many people who appreciate you and send rivers of strength and love to help to keep your ears stiff. (my totem animal is a rabbit, so I can't speak of stiff upper lip, let's stay realistic)

  6. Oh Peter! I know this sucks! I have been clear for 3 years now and I was lucky enough that chemo wasn't necessary. If you need to vent then you just go ahead and do it! I am here to listen!

  7. Thanks for the kind words guys. I know a lot of you have been through this, and hearing the positive stories really helps.
    peter xx